Sometimes you just want to crumble because sometimes that is easier.
I sometimes fear that really I am always feeling shit and that the rest of the time Iam just shoving all my emotions deep down and not accepting them.
Hello to all my beautiful an wonderful followers,
Today is March 1st and that means that it is self injury awareness day. I don’t think I will be able to post a video on my youtube channel today which means I have broken the trend of posting one on the trot for 2 years.
Anyway, I am celebrating SIAD today and so should you. Reblog this and awareness information, talk to your family and friends, draw a butterfly on your arm or find an orange ribbon and wear it. Spread awareness the best way you see fit.
One way that I have celebrated is by writing to the Manchester Evening News. I also sent posts on facebook to friends who I know have battled with self harm and mental illness to tell them just how proud I am of them.
For me, this has not been an easy journey. If you don’t know my story then here it goes. I know that I self harmed a couple of times when I was 10/11 but Iwas not aware what I was doing was self injury because it was very minor and very far apart.
When I was in year 9 everything in my life went downhill. I broke up with my boyfriend who I had been with for about 6 months, I stopped all contact with my granddad because he really hurt me, there were issues at home and I just hated school. This resulted in my self harm becoming my method of coping.
I started cutting my wrists because I knew I could hide it. I then moved to cutting my legs and using knee high socks to disguise it. I then moved back to my wrists. I thought Icould control it and keep it just at my wrists but it moved up my arms.
Even though I got back with my boyfriend, things continued to go downhill rapidly. I was cutting multiple times a day. I got ivolved with CAMHS after I finally confessed to self harming and suicidal ideation.
In February 2010- March 2010, me and 2 “friends” tried to kill ourselves in schoolx3. I was sick of life and everything and I wanted help, I was just afraid of asking for it. The last time I spent 3 and 1/2 weeks on my local paediatric ward, seeing CAMHS every week day. Then, the day before my dads birthday I got admitted to an adolescent unit.
Even though I was still conflicted about recovery, this was the beginning of allowing myself to understand why I was doing it and how I could begin to replace it. I went o the self harm group and started to implement techniques (obviously it didnt always work) and I kept a log of how often I wasn’t self harming.
I remember being so extremely proud of myself when I reached 6 days self harm free.
Since then, it has been a rollercoaster. I spent 4 months in the unit and then went to their day service. Iwas slowly allowed back into school. Eventually I was discharged from the unit, going to college full time and sitting my GCSE’s. I went to my prom. I have done several talks to mental health professionals (up to 200 people). Been raising awareness, making youtube videos. I started college and now finishing my final year of my A levels.
Despite returning to self harm, I am much more aware of my triggers and what I can do. I am easier on myself and know that it is part of recovery to be able to cope with blips.
I am looking forward to Uni next year and hopefully this new chapter in my life will help me to leave self harm behind me.
I know it is difficult and I am not saying otherwise, but if you actually sit down and note all of your achievements and keep a log of how often you don’t self harm then you will begin to realise your potential.
Well done! Xxxx
I have just been looking at old posts on here and I came across (i think) the 30 Day Challenge.
I was thinking, if I re-did it now then I think it would be completely different.
When I am @low functioning@ then I really forget everything outside of it. I forget that a high functioning version of myself has/does exit.
It is the same when I am good.
I wish that I could do a bit of an experiment and have both present at the same time. It is honestly like they are completely seperate from me.