To x and y,
I wanted to send you a letter because this just cannot wait. I don’t believe that either of you are listening to me and how I am feeling. You said that the note I left A was an “angry act” and that me being suicidal was also because of “anger” but its a bit pathetic of me to want to kill myself just because I am angry. Im not angry. Well I am angry now. Also you said that one of the reasons I am feeling suicidal is because my appointments at CAMHS have gone to monthly. This view you still hold and tell everyone else even though I have told you both that it isnt the case. I don’t care about the appointments decreasing. I felt suicidal before the appointments decreased. I am not in the place I was when I first started at CAMHS. Back then it would have impacted me so much when I felt vulnerable. I would have been pushed over the edge. I would have hurt myself. I am not in that situation. I don’t think that external stressors are the cause of how I have been. Things at home right now are fine and college is okay yet I still feel suicidal. I know stopping my medication wasn’t the greatest idea I have ever had but it happened. I can’t change that. I feel like I am not being taken seriously.
Im not happy about the letter that x sent to various people. I don’t like that I wasn’t told in the joint session that it had been sent out. I feel like that completely goes against everything we have discussed about me taking responsibility for my own health. I am trying despite how I feel (though I don’t understand why I am), taking myself to the hospital, going to the City Centre Project, making plans with A of what I can do the next couple of weeks and searching for a job. That letter made me feel like we had just gone back 5 years and that I was no longer being involved in my own care.
All of this is making me lose trust in you both in turn making me feel even more hopeless. What am I meant to do? x, you told me my dad wouldnt have to know if I go to A&E yet I ended up getting psych assessed by M who told my dad what had happened. How am I meant to be honest about anything to do with my mental health? I know you have a duty of care but then dont lie to me about what will happen. Tell me honestly. I am 17, not a child. I feel so much worse because of everything I have mentioned. I cant be honest with how bad I actually feel so how am I meant to get better. Can I even get better? Why should I keep myself safe. What is the point.