Christmas love. on We Heart It
I wish I had this
My Granddads ill and you start an arguement
Clara sometimes asks me if I dream.
"Of course I dream" I tell her. "Everybody dreams."
"But what do you dream about?" she’ll ask,
"The same thing everybody dreams" I tell her. "I dream about where I’m going." She always laughs at that.
"You’re not going anywhere, you’re just wondering about"
That’s not true. Not anymore. I have a new destination. My journey is the same as yours, the same as anyone’s. It’s taken me so many years, so many lifetimes, but at least I know where I’m going, where I’ve always been going:
Home… the long way around.
Let’s take a minute to talk about Osgood’s scarf…
her scarf is clearly stockinette stitch. and obviously the colors are a tad off. even so, it is 10000% a nod to tom baker’s scarf. (also not positive it was hand made, looks a tad clean for that but of course we can’t see the back side.)
But Tom Baker’s scarf
Is very clearly garter stitch and obviously hand knitted.
Just things a knitter notices.
Today my head has been stimulated, by college, by CAMHS and by performance. All day with no space to think. Now that the quiteness has hit I no longer feel real.
There has been too much discussion today to do with purpose and existence that I cannot take much more. Even writing this is beginning to hurt my head. I just want to shut off.
Now I dont know if this is just me, BPD or whether all people approaching adulthood feel this way but I just feel like a shell. I feel like I have no purpose and that I am just floating. Everyone else is oblivious to me which only makes it worse.
I just dont know if that is normal. Is this me just finding my feet? Is this me? Am “I” just like what my head tells me I am?
How do I change?
The psychologist Harry Harlow (c. 1958), with one of his experimental rhesus monkeys, used for his studies on maternal love.
In his most famous experiment, he separated infant monkeys from their mothers at birth, and placed them with a pair of surrogate mothers: one wire frame mother, and one cloth mother with a face. In one condition, the wire mother had a milk bottle built into her chest, while in the second condition, the cloth mother had the milk bottle. In both conditions, the monkey would feed from the milk-possessing mother, but regardless of the food source, the infant spent the majority of its time clutching to the warmer, more life-like cloth mother. Harlow (1958) concluded:
Certainly, man cannot live by milk alone. Love is an emotion that does not need to be bottle- or spoon-fed, and we may be sure that there is nothing to be gained by giving lip service to love
H. F. Harlow (1958). The nature of love. American Psychologist, 13, 673–685.
Recently things have been good. I have been better than I have ever been except for the last 4 days. I have just felt like I am slipping. Its like in Monsters Inc where Sully is trying to get Boo back but Randall has taken her. Randal escapes through one of the doors with Boo but Sully follows. He pushes sully out the door and he is hanging on, miles above the ground. That is what I feel like. It is like I am really trying to keep on top of it as I really do want to be happy. I want to be feeling good the majority of the time and be able to cope with my stupid thoughts. I have experienced that darkness too often. The loneliness. The self hatred. That feeling of extreme anger towards yourself because you know what people think. It all makes you feel fake and numb. It hurts so much that your body switches off. I DONT WANT TO EXPERIENCE THAT AGAIN!
I just dont want to fall